Monday, 26 December 2016

Can we skip to the good bit?

I always thought that by 18 I'd know who I was. I thought I'd know who I was going to be. I thought I'd have it all together.
I have almost nothing together. I almost cried 4 times today at college and I have no idea why. I'm afraid that either people don't see the good in me or that they see too much of the bad. I don't really know what love is, I see it all around me and I feel it now and then but I don't think I know what love is. I guess in terms of loving someone for the rest of your life, love is being able to change with someone and not in spite of them.
I'm tired of dealing with all of the hard bits of life. My life isn't hard either. I'm a moaner. But it's true, I'm so tired of feeling like I deserve a Gold star for getting out of bed, and another one for showering. I'm tired of being so confused about the thoughts radiating through my own head, constantly trying to decipher truth from a lie.
I want to skip to the part in my life where nothing's hard anymore.
The part where I don't have to lose sleep over if the guy I'm dating is worth my time, and therefore their own. The part where I'm not afraid of breaking someone else's heart due to indecision because I'll have made the choice. The part where I'm not worried about the ability of my womb because it has already housed life. The part where my career is sealed. The part where I don't struggle to live my life because I'm excited by every aspect of it.
But am I waiting for a lie? Will I just be disappointed? Maybe. Maybe not. I think I'm realising more and more that happiness is fragile but joy is permanent. I need to find my joy. I need to find out how I find my breathing space in a life where I feel suffocated and bullied into growing.